Why California Deserves The Drought

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California is experiencing the most severe drought on record.  And it’s dumbass Governor, Jerry Brown, has dealt with this by restricting water use by California residents.  And while that may seem like a great idea, it essentially will do nothing to end the drought, since personal water use takes up a mere 14% of California’s water supply.  Everyone in California thinks they are going to end the drought by having a dirty car, a brown lawn, or foregoing daily hotel linen refresh, but they are kidding themselves.  Meanwhile, the real reasons we are experiencing a drought are not getting any attention…

REASON #1 …YOUR FAT ASS

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80% of California’s water is used for agriculture.  Obviously, we need to eat food, but a majority of the water used in agriculture goes to livestock.  The animals we kill for food are fed alfalfa, which covers over 1 MILLION ACRES in California.  It takes 2,500 gallons of water to grow one pound of beef.  And hipsters with their bacon fetish should know that one pound of pork takes 800 gallons of water to grow.  I take long hot showers all year and I’m still using the same amount of water it takes to make 10 hamburgers.  Now that you know this, you should try watering your lawn until it overflows into the street.  And when your neighbor tries to say you should save water, that will be a good opportunity to call them out for being a fat fuck.

 

REASON # 2 …THESE DICKHEADS

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Gov. Jerry Brown’s water restrictions will cost California residents $500 in fines if they don’t cut back on taking showers or washing their cars.  Meanwhile, wealthy people (like the dickheads you see above) continue to play their mindless pussy sport without any restrictions.  The average family of four uses 400 gallons of water a day.  The average golf course uses 312,000.  California has 921 golf courses.  That means these yuppies use the same amount of water as 2.8 million people just so they can lollygag around on their golf carts and compare clothing.  Why does California deserve a drought?  Because they support these rich dickheads by either voting them into office, or purchasing whatever it is their company sells.  In fact, if you’re not living off the grid, you are completely responsible for this spectacle too!

 

REASON #3 …BEING AN IDIOT

The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge was a stupid goddamn waste of water.  Millions of gallons of water were wasted… for no reason whatsoever.  If you want to give your money to charity, give your money to charity.  There’s no need to waste a valuable resource out of it.  When I give money to street bums, I hand them some change and then walk away.  I don’t syphon the gas out of my car and into a storm drain afterwards.

 

REASON #4 …ANYONE WHO STILL EATS ALMONDS

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10% of all water used in California goes to growing almonds.  That’s right.  Fucking almonds.  It takes one gallon of water to grow one almond.  And Gov. Brown’s restrictions on water has nothing to do with almonds.  Even more perplexing is the fact that over 50% of these almonds are shipped to China.  And you have people in California that won’t even flush their piss down the toilet.  They should stop flushing their shit too.  That way they can literally smell the choices they’ve made for themselves.

Campaign to Remove Confederate Flags From Government Buildings Gains Momentum

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The national debate over the future of Confederate flags that fly in front of government buildings has Confederate sympathizers coming out of the closet.  Many of them argue through Facebook saying nobody understands the history behind the flag.  They claim it represents ‘heritage’, not ‘hate.’  So I found a way to redesign their flag so that they can still represent their culture without offending anyone…

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Switch it out for the Rainbow Flag!  Admit it, there’s something very gay about the Southern way of life.  For starters, gay marriage is a topic that’s always on their minds.  And for people who are allegedly not gay, that’s pretty gay.  Not to mention, the KKK is an all male group that dresses in shiny clothing along with hats that are shaped like dick tents.  And not only is their music gay, but as it turns out, the South watches more gay porn than the rest of the country.

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The picture above is the Confederate flag that flies in front of the South Carolina State Capitol.  Supporters of the flag say it represents ‘history’, and to them, that’s a good enough reason to have it fly at government buildings even though it represents the side of the Civil War that wanted to keep slavery going…

naziflag     The above flag is definitely historical.  This one doesn’t have any dorky stars, which is outdated.  And it represents the same thing: The white people America went to war with.  And like the Confederates, they enslaved people too.  So it’s a win-win.

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Georgia Governor Nathan Deal said on Tuesday that he wants a redesign of the state sponsored license plates, which features the Confederate emblem.  I’ve come up with a design they can use.  It’s a really honest representation of their culture…

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Fat Southerners are perfectly fine with throwing pot heads in prison.  They claim we are the unhealthy ones who are going to end up in hell, while there are over 100 Bible verses that speak out against Gluttony.  You wanna know what the Bible says about smoking weed?  NOTHING.  Put these plates on everyone’s cars in Georgia so that can show the world their proud heritage.  And tell them to keep drinking Diet Coke- it’s obviously working.

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Mississippi Senator is now saying his state’s flag (pictured above) should be removed and put in a museum.  This really got Bill O’Reilly pissed off, who said,

“You say the Confederate flag is a symbol of hate, and you believe that.  For some other people who see it in a historical context, it represents bravery… You know as well as I do that it represents to some bravery in the Civil War, because the Confederates fought hard…”

Hmmm… So that’s your argument?  I have a solution…

ISISFLAG

Replace it with an ISIS flag!  Those guys fight hard too.  They’re evil donkey fuckers that smell like shit, but they do fight hard.  Plus, they cram religion down everyone’s throat- just like Southerners.  If you want to wave a flag that represents TREASON, wave the ISIS flag.  That way there’s no confusion as to what kind of asshole we’re dealing with.

The Pope Has Alzheimer’s

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The Pope has Alzheimer’s.  Or at least I think he does because he just said that companies who manufacture weapons are “hypocrites” if they call themselves Christian.  He must not remember that the Vatican is the largest shareholder in the Beretta Arms Company.  He also spoke about the Holocaust, complaining,

great powers had the pictures of the railway lines that brought the trains to the concentration camps like Auschwitz to kill Jews, Christians, homosexuals, everybody. Why didn’t they bomb (the railway lines)?”

Does he not remember that the Vatican’s stance was officially ‘neutral’ during WWII, even though they totally sided with Hitler…?

I’m waiting for this old geezer to tell us that grown men should’t rape little boys.  That’ll be hilarious.

Bristol Palin Pregnant Again, Still Not Married

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Ha ha ha hahahahaha.  Bristol Palin, daughter of bimbo redneck Sarah Palin, got pregnant out of wedlock- again.  Normally, I don’t go after single moms, but Bristol totally deserves a good slut-shaming because she actually gets paid to promote Abstinence programs.  She not only gets $30,000 fees to speak to kids across America about not fucking, but the Candies Foundation, an Abstinence organization, paid her $262,500 to be its ambassador.  Which is a waste of money, because teenagers who have Abstinence Only ‘education’ have higher pregnancy rates than those who don’t.  This is because those programs discourage kids from using contraceptives.

Bristol should just fuck guys on stage at high schools across America.  And while she’s getting railed, she should tell the audience, “See this?  This is bad!  Don’t do it!”

* Fun Fact-  According to Deuteronomy 23:2, “A bastard shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD,” which means Bristol’s children are going to end up in hell, no matter what kind of life they live.  It’s in the Bible.  You know, the same book Bristol uses to justify her stance on gay marriage.